Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
