I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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