On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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