Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
