I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
