we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
