Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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