I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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