matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
