Plan B is the new Plan A
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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