they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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