I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
