i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
