so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
