If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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