Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
