I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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