grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
