If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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