Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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