I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
