You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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