im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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