She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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