Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
