my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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