Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize