i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
