I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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