What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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