Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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