Got a toothbrush?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
