Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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