I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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