update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize