just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
