Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
