Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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