I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
