if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
