Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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