your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
