For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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