I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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