my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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