The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
