What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
