she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize