im drinking this country out of the recession.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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