I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
