ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
