my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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