she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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