I wish my penis had an off switch
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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