I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
