im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
