This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
someone owes me an orgasm
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
