I must be too annoying 4 u.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
