I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
