So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Randomize