3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
