I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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