you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
