I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
