woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
