i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is my gift to your gina
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
