matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize