ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
