we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am naked and annoyed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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