1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
